I usually try to keep this blog pretty low key so as not to offend. So please, don't take anything I say personally. This is about me. What I'VE learned. Maybe in your time you've learned exactly the opposite.
(You'll notice this post is also full of disclaimers because I realize that none of are existing in exactly the same situation and I don't mean to categorize apples to oranges)
I've learned:1.You don't always have to say NO Chase says about 20 words; NONE of them is 'No'. We usually don't use the word 'No' unless its a matter of safety. I want "NO" to MEAN something, you know? Chase has limits, sure. He doesn't always listen, but he knows what he is and is not allowed to touch, and he knows what "Not for Chase" means. "No" is FUN to say... you know? Repeat "no, no, no, no" to your kid all day and not only does it become meaningless, but your kid turns it on you and responds to your every question with NO... even if they really mean yes. (I'm told it gets reallllly annoying). So far we haven't had any screaming bouts of "No NO NO NO NOOOOOOO". We'll see if this lasts.
So why am I trying so hard to prevent the "no" stage?
I WAS one of those children! I know what a devil child I was for my mother. I thrived on "no's". If I can prevent it- I'm going to. I also want my kid to know from a single word I say (NO) that they are in danger- that something is not safe. I want my NO to stop them in their tracks. To keep them from running behind a car, or pulling a pot of boiling water over. (I know this is pretty ambitious). But I want that one word to have more power than anything else I could say. We are TRYING this. No guarantees that I won't be queen of "No's" when Chase hits the terrible twos. No guarantees it will work flawlessly. I just thought this was a great philosophy and something I'd like to try at our house.
Another thing I've learned about "no" is- If it's not a big deal- LET IT GO. Don't get into a battle of wills. If you want your kid to stop yanking all your nice pots and pans out of the cupboard and pounding them to death- put a latch on it, and fill another cupboard with cheap dollar-store tins. If you don't want them to play in the kitty litter- put a gate around it and get the kid a sandbox!! Prevention, people! It's key. Your kids can have plenty to explore and plenty of opportunity to "wreak havoc" and you don't have to constantly be screaming NO all day. So far, its worked pretty well for us.
2. Just because they tug on their ears doesn't mean they have an earache So I know this one is pretty trivial, but it's taken me a year to figure out. If it gives anyone else some peace of mind- it's worth a paragraph.
I've been into the doctor countless times, positive that Chase was suffering an earache. Paid my $20, dragged the kiddo in, let them shove the instrument into his ears, and always walked away with a clean bill of health. The last time this happened, the doctor (whilst trying not to roll his eyes at me, I'm sure) assured me that at least 50% of ear tugging in kids is NOT attributed to earaches. So when the old lady at Smith's tells you to get your child into the doctor right away because he's tugging on his ears and definitely has an earache... ignore her. Or at least take the advice with a grain of salt. This week Chase has been covering and uncovering his ears, and I feel certain that is is learning "Hey, I can't hear if I cover my ears. Hey... now I CAN hear". He finds this phenomena fascinating. Who wouldn't? He doesn't have an earache, and I don't feel the need to rush to the doctor.
3. Having a toddler is just as hard as having a newbornI find it pretty ironic that everyone is falling all over themselves to make you dinner and clean your house when your baby is first born- you know, when you ARE waking up 4 times a night, but when you also have ALL DAY to sleep because your infant is not only sleeping whenever they're not eating, but also when you don't have to entertain your kid all day. And whats more- no one expects you to have a clean house, a fancy meal prepared every night, or even clean clothes to wear. For me personally, it's been a lot more work having a toddler than having an infant. (See number 4.) I'm pretty sure people volunteer to help, not because they think you need it, but because they want to grab a chance to drool over your newest addition.
Disclaimer 1: This applies AFTER the first week or so. You know- when you can walk again... bend down to change diapers... et cetera.
Disclaimer 2: I realize not everyone experience the "sleeps all day, never has a complaint newborn". Some people need more help than others.
Disclaimer 3: Obviously this holds true only for the FIRST child. I don't even want to think about how difficult it is to have a toddler AND a newborn... or two toddlers and a newborn... If I am ever in that situation, I'm pretty certain I will be trying to get my mother to MOVE IN with us
4. An easy baby does not equivocate to an easy toddlerChase was an easy baby. I admit it. He only cried when he was hungry, and was perfectly happy hanging out in his bouncer or gym while mama did laundry, vacuumed, made dinner, etc. He always fell asleep in the car and pretty much slept through all of church. He napped well and never woke up even if I vacuumed, someone was mowing the lawn outside, or the doorbell rang. After the first couple months, he woke up once a night like clockwork and as soon as he'd eaten, he went right back to sleep- no rocking, patting, or crying-it-out necessary. We had rough patches, sure. But overall, I think he was a very easy baby.
These days... not so much. I can't fairly classify him as a total terror (It can always get worse, right!?), but he has MOUNTAINS of energy. He is running around all day long, unloading all of my drawers (sometimes dragging embarassing items into the living room while company is here), opening every cabinet and drawer that isn't latched, and jabbering the whole time. He loves to shriek. He loves to scream (particularly ALL THROUGH CHURCH). He hates to grocery shop and lets the whole store know. Often, he wiggles right out of the grocery cart seatbelt. I have to keep one foot across his chest while I change his diaper so he won't run away. And lately... if he doesn't get exactly what he wants, he throws a tantrum.
So much for my easy baby.
I think parents in general like to take credit for having "easy children":
"Oh yes, I have an easy, perfect, angelic child because I am SUCH a terrific mother."
(Second child comes along.)
"What is WRONG with this child?? I raised him JUST like his sister, and he's a nightmare!!"
(other mothers are now laughing at you because you've finally realized that their kids aren't wild because they're "bad mothers" or because you know some secret they don't- kids are born with a personality and your will can't change it).
People like to say "Oh if your baby needs to be held all day, its because you've just spoiled them from day 1. My child NEVER cries if I don't hold them".
Really people? You're going to take credit for your child's inherent temperament?!?
Point is- regardless of WHAT A GREAT MOTHER YOU ARE- some of your kids just aren't going to listen. ever. They're going to scream, kick, cry, and bite- perhaps no matter HOW great of a parent you are, what you do, or what methods you try. And unfortunately you can't count on your angel child staying an angel forever. Luckily, neither can you count on a more "difficult" child staying so forever (look how great I turned out Mom!!).
If you have an easy child, count your blessings and hope that it lasts. I wish I'd enjoyed the easy stage a little bit more. Be a little easier on people whose kids are a little more difficult. Don't judge every mom by the way their kids act. (This is a HUGE thing I've learned).
Additionally... please PLEASE don't look at "those other mothers"- you know, the ones of "perfect children"- and think "Gosh they must be SUCH great mothers. Look how perfect their children are!". Likely... they got lucky and got easygoing kids.
Disclaimer: this post is not meant to convey that good parenting practice has NO effect whatsoever on your kids. It's merely to say, that even when you're the best parent in the world- your kids aren't going to behave all of the time- so cut yourself some slack*
5. Perfectionist moms (YES I MEAN YOU)- STOP beating up on yourself about what other people think! Maybe it's the old man glaring at you because its February and you're carrying your child out of Target with bare feet (PLEASE SIR- let me know when YOU invent socks that he can't kick off... also let me know if you FIND those 3 pairs of socks we lost in the 20 minutes we spend inside the store.)
Maybe its the old grandma shaking her head as she walks past your kid sipping out of a huge Coke cup in Costco (You don't need to stop her and tell her its water and that you probably know more about infant nutrient values than she ever has. Do you know how many grams of protein your grandchildren should get a day lady? How about fat? Sodium? Fiber? Yeah... didn't think so.)
Maybe it's the neighbor who's always telling you your child isn't bundled up enough (Resist the urge to give her your baby books that state one extra layer is sufficient and that overheating, due to overbundling at night, is attributed to SIDS.)
What IS IT about these situations that gets us so riled up? What is it about a complete STRANGERS' disapproval that makes us feel like mediocre moms, or even BAD moms? Even if you KNOW that you are right. That you have information that they don't. Don't let someone else's premature judgment affect you.
I still get angry about things like this, but I am learning to LET IT GO. Even to laugh and think, "Stranger, no offense but its been a long time since you had a baby or a toddler. Having 10 kids forty years ago does not give you a pre-requisite to pass judgment on my mothering skills."
Know that YOU are a good mom. It is enough. Let yourself be proud of the sacrifice you make for your kids. Don't beat yourself up when you make a mistake. Nobody said from day 1 at the hospital we'd know all the right things to do, or the perfect way to parent. Part of mothering is learning in the process.
That is what I've learned. *And now I have to apologize to all old ladies who I unfairly stereotyped. Most of you are really nice. We love when you coo over our kid and tell us how cute he is. We appreciate how super-nice you are, even though he pulled your skirt halfway down in public when he was clinging to you. It's not that we don't like you; its just that a very select few of you like to tell us how to parent our own kids. Also, no offense, but the information you were given when you were a parent, is pretty much polar opposite to the parenting information they give us today*
This is where Tim and I slept the night before the carpet was installed: (please note that the ground around our bed is all just boards and nails)
Here is our living room and dining area. Do you see why me and Chase had nowhere to hang out? Not fun with a 15 month old.
